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Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Nagorno Karabakh, Armenian identity forever

    Suddenly, the world is following Nagorno Karabakh news again. This small land is only seen when soldiers and civilians die. And too many have died already. Too many young lives have been stolen defending their identity and existence. This time, it started with the killing and mutilation of two elderly villagers close to the Azeri borders. It comes after 22 years of ceasefire, and during a troubled period of history, while maps are loudly being revisited and reshaped at least in reports, where old dreams of annexation or independence sound feasible.

    I had the opportunity to visit Nagorno Karabakh and its capital Stepanakert, back in December 1996, as a reporter with MTV Lebanon news department, after the ceasefire with Azerbaijan. We were the first Arab TV and news team to set a foot there.

    I still remember the local visa we got in Yerevan, Capital of Armenia, to enter Nagorno Karabakh. A visa everybody smiled at, knowing it is only a formal procedure. And the long trip of over 14 hours in the Niva mini bus, with our translator, a Syrian-Armenian who moved to his motherland after the independence ; our guide a wonderful soul, history teacher with knowledge to fill an entire encyclopedia, and our lovely and funny driver.
    Fourteen hours trying to cross the only road that sometimes ends on cliffs, because it has been bombed. Several times we found ourselves waiting for the road to be rebuild bit by bit. A road leading to the mountain, up there, where clouds seem to stop and hold their breath. Majestic mountains, and small houses like a broken pearl necklace, small clothes hanging to dry outside, children running safely on deserted roads, giggling and curious to see what the car carries for them.

    Same Armenian local language and accent as Armenia, same tradition, same food, same hospitality as the one we got in Yerevan...with one little difference: here, you step back in time. You feel you're in the early 20th century. Everything takes you back in time: the houses, the streets, the cattle here and there, the colorless clothes like an old picture, the very small number of old Russian cars passing from time to time to break the persistent image of early century.

    Nagorno Karabakh declared president was Robert Kocharian, later to become the second Armenian president in 1998, considered our crew as his guests. We even had our breakfasts and dinners at the government's building. A surreal situation where one feels free to ask for more of the exquisite Armenian Cognac found everywhere on Armenian soil.

    The story of ongoing hurt in this land is due to a decision taken by Staline in 1921, with a pen and a map: he annexed Nagorno karabakh to Azerbaijan, with Armenia annexed to the U.S.S.R. little was the capacity to seek independence. That was until 1988 where massive demonstrations took place in Yerevan asking for recognition and regain of land. Clashes erupted, and lasted until an international ceasefire in 1994.
     Nagorno Karabakh was never an Azeri land. 94% of its residents are Armenian. Its culture, cuisine, history, story...is purely Armenian. The churches, the rocks, the mountains, the cemeteries, all talk about their Armenian legacy.

    The war has left a big scar in the local culture. Thousands of young men and women have lost their lives, churches have been transformed into Azeri weapon arsenals in Chouchi for example, before they were regained again.
    The traditional Armenian Duduk became more melancholic, the Qamancha, or violin took another role on weekends: post-mortem concert in the cemetery for the young lost souls, by the only violin teacher at the local conservatory, as a life engagement and tribute.

    But these people are Armenians: they just dust away the rubles, pay tribute to their victims and martyrs, and rebuild their lives, homes and cult places, with a smile on their faces, and a stubborn will that no one can break. They rebuild Armenia or Karabakh over and over again if they must.

    Chouchi church is a loud example of Armenian spirit... A demolished church, and one old man. He left everything in Yerevan and decided to rebuild it with his bare hands. Soon his story became famous and many joined. I met him, and I know how the church was rebuild even better, and features today on most pictures of Nagorno Karabakh.

    This is Artsakh, Nagorno karabakh, the old DADIK, BABIK (grand-father and grand-mother) statue that sums it up : "We Are Our Mountains"...

 Here are some pictures of our unforgettable encounter with Nagorno Karabakh.




DADIK BABIK : "We are our mountains".

A man crying his son fallen in the battles of Nagorno Karabakh.
Rehabilitating Chouchi church in Nagorno Karabakh (1996).
The sad music of Qamancha (violin) in a silent walking concert at the local cemetery (Stepanakert).
That beautiful smile despite the constant threat (Mountains of Nagorno Karabakh)
Armenian child on the streets of Nagorno Karabakh.
Stepanakert-Nagorno Karabakh.

Among roses, rest young men and women fallen in battles.
Where time stops.
This Stepanakert conservatory teacher took a pledge, to visit the cemetery every Sunday, and play music for each martyr fallen in the battle.
Nagorno Karabakh.





Capturing faces of joy
Interviewing the president of self declared independent state of Nagorno Karabakh, Robert Kocharian
Our beautiful guide.



With Nagorno Karabakh president Robert Kocharian, later to become the second president of Armenia (1998)

Chouchi village. Where memory is only about war.

He left Yerevan, his home, his business, his need to rest at his age...and went to Nagorno Karabakh to rebuild Chouchi Church alone, but not for long. He have been joined by many.






Reporting from Chouchi church. Turned into an arsenal by Azeris. Rehabilitated in 1996 by Armenians.







Sunday, March 30, 2014

Religion Notice


(I wish people could get this notice with the religion they choose)



Religion®

DESCRIPTION AND COMPOSITION
Spiritual form.
Comes in old scriptures, aged hundreds or thousands of years, copied and transmitted in numerous new editions and sizes, or as verbal tradition transmitted through generations, or even as secret tradition.
Composed of texts, stories, myths, saints, messengers, prophets.

Active substance(s)
Each Religion contains:
0,2mg of accuratetine
3,2mg of mysterysisol
4,6mg of extraordinaryoxyde
6,3mg of mysogynyol
10mg of faithadine
8,9mg of vertuenyl
7,7mg of superioritynate
6,9mg of fearasine
8mg of psychologysate
8mg of sociologysate
May contain traces of violencine, lovamol,innerpeacidine.

INDICATIONS
Religion is indicated for humans in general as an insecure race, self-centered, in need of a higher power to protect, save, help and support.
Also indicated for humans when faced with difficult situations with no answers.
It may be prescribed for humans in need of a potential “responsible” for their acts, condition, behavior, fear…
Religion is ideal for suffering populations. It has already been prescribed to different societies according to their needs throughout history, and gave assurance, inner peace and empathy.
Religion is recommended for suffering individuals, lost souls, humans looking for answers in general. It can sooth souls, calm tensions, bring love and peace.

DOSAGE AND ADMINISTRATION
Religion may be taken at any age (after puberty), any place, at any time of the day.

CONTRAINDICATIONS
Religion is contraindicated:
-When humans start taking their own religion as the only truth
-When humans start having the dangerous conviction of purity
-When humans start disrespecting other religions and especially non-believers
-When humans start wars and killings in the name of Religion
-When humans start hallucinating.

OVERDOSAGE
If you start feeling you’re becoming a prophet, and you have rights over other humans, if you start feeling it’s okay to eradicate “infidels”, if you start feeling more valuable than other humans because of your Religion®, stop Religion® immediately and ask for help.

WARNINGS AND PRECAUTIONS
Religion® is a VERTICAL relationship between you and your God. It is not Horizontal. He did not make you his spokesperson on earth (if you have this feeling please read contraindications above)
All details related to different traditions, regions, eras, clothing habits, eating habits, praying habits, faith habits, or any difference from what your own Religion tells you, are and will remain there.Religion® is designed to answer different needs.
It is normal to live with other species and beliefs. We call it diversity.
Remember, if you were meant to be all the same, Religion® would have been just one. So relax, enjoy your religion, accept non-religious, accept other religions and live happily.
Remember, Religion® is a soul medicine for many humans. And like any medical product, if not taken properly could have dangerous effects.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Mama, maman, mommy, mom?

www.astridm.com
    Non, je ne suis pas née avec un instinct maternel.
Mes poupées étaient mon champ expérimental. Je les démembrais, je leur découpais leurs bouches, histoire de voir comment elles étaient faites, ou afin de leur balancer le manger que je n'aimais pas!

    Mes jeux préférés étaient cache-cache, "kerchak 3ali ya khali", "botte-sauvé-merci", "finish", les billes, les escapades dans la nature à la recherche d'un trésor... Jouer à maman me donnait la nausée.

    Mes rêves contenaient rarement des bébés. En petite fille je me voyais sur un avion, découvrant le monde, sur une scène, jouant Molière, à Hollywood, recevant mon Oscar et répétant mon discours tellement préparé! Mes rêves étaient de devenir directrice de je ne sais quoi, de découvrir des cures, de construire un hôtel en forme de dinausaure, de créer la paix dans le monde...

    Devenir mère ne formait pas l'appothéose de mes rêves. Trouver l'amour par contre oui. Les enfants étaient là parfois, car je les aime, mais je ne me voyais pas en maman au quotidien.

    Mes rêves de petite fille sont toujours là. J'en ai réalisé certains, à une échelle toute petite...

    J'ai rencontré l'amour plusieurs fois. Je me suis cassé la gueule, je me suis créé des souvenirs, une histoire.
En chemin, j'ai réalisé que j'ai envie d'être mère aussi...
Je me fichais bien de les concevoir moi-même. (Un de mes rêves les plus communs -et rares- me voyais réveillée pour découvrir un couffin avec un superbe bébé à ma porte!) Adopter c'est aussi devenir parent.

    Un jour, je me suis retrouvée avec une créature vivante dans mon sein... La joie, la trouille. Je vais devenir mère! waou! ciel! On va jouer à papa maman pour de vrai? Tout le monde dit que la vie change, pour toujours. Dois-je prendre cela positivement ou négativement? Les parents sont tellement difficiles à dépister.

    Je l'ai fait! 3 fois! en 3 ans et demie! Sans arrêt et sans plans. Je voulais 3 enfants, je rêvais de deux garçons et une fille, ils sont là.
Merde! ils sont là pour le restant de ma vie???? C'est-à-dire que je ne peux plus dire:"ça y est, j'ai plus envie"???? Il n'y a pas de marche arrière???

Non, je ne suis pas née avec un instinct maternel! Mon instinct se construit chaque jour.
Non, mon rêve n'était pas de passer des nuits agitées ou sans sommeil, à l'écoute d'une respiration régulière.
Non, mon rêve n'était pas de passer des centaines d'heures dans des parcs pouilleux à voir ma progéniture glisser joyeusement sur les tobogans en hurlant: "Mam, regarde!"
Non, mon rêve n'était pas de changer des couches, de préparer du manger sain, de mesurer la fièvre, d'aller chez le pédiatre, de retenir les dates de vaccin.
Non, mon rêve n'était pas de passer de longs après-midis dans des anniversaires bruyants avec animatrices et clowns, à raconter les histoires de mamans et pépins insensés.
Mon rêve n'était pas de passer 9 mois par an, cinq jours sur sept à aider dans les devoirs, re-étudier la grammaire, la qaw3ed, le i3rab, la reproduction sexuée des plantes, ni de faire des projets de classe, ni de faire le médiateur entre mes enfants, leurs amis, leurs maîtresses...
Mon rêve n'était pas de regarder pendant des heures Barney, Dora, Teletubbies, Violetta, Disney Channel, Nickelodeon...
...

Oui! parfois j'en ai marre.
Oui, parfois j'ai envie de tout foutre en l'air.
Oui, parfois j'ai envie de me barrer.
Oui, parfois je sors de mes gonds. Je bave.
Oui, parfois j'ai envie de construire cet hôtel en forme de dinausaure, et de réclamer mon Oscar!

Heureusement que ça m'arrive "parfois". Car souvent, c'est une paix intérieure de les voir en bonne santé, grandir et se métamorphoser devant mes yeux.
Je suis épatée de voir ces êtres humains indépendants au quotidien, et de savoir que je suis leur mère.
Avec eux, sans le savoir, j'ai réalisé mon Oscar de meilleure maman à leurs yeux, j'ai voyagé le monde dans les livres et les histoires pour le leur montrer, je leur ai raconté mes voyages et voyagé avec eux, à travers leurs yeux.
Avec eux, j'ai construit des centaines de maisons, d'hôtels, de mondes, de chateaux.
Je suis devenue infirmière, maîtresse, animatrice, chauffeur, cuisinière, inspiratrice... tout en restant dans le monde des adultes et en étant productive et professionelle.

Grâce à eux, je me réveille tous les jours espérant devenir meilleure maman, meilleur être humain.
Grâce à eux, j'ai gardé mon regard d'enfant face au monde.
J'ai envie d'avoir un rôle dans leur vie, j'ai envie de rester ici encore longtemps.
J'ai envie de changer le monde, pour eux.
J'ai envie de me battre, pour eux.
J'ai envie de les voirs adultes. J'ai envie de les regarder encore. J'ai envie de les admirer.

Peut-être c'est cela l'instinct maternel. Se donner à fond pour un autre être humain, se consumer, la joie au cœur.
Avec un bisou, un "je t'adore", "je t'aime". Avec un "merci mam", ils savent qu'ils peuvent tout avoir!

Non, je ne suis pas née maman, je le deviens chaque seconde: ils me l'apprennent en douceur tous les jours.
Enfin, heureusement que je n'ai pas rêvé devenir mère, ainsi, je suis ouverte à leur monde, tout en restant épatée d'avoir joué ne serait-ce qu'un petit rôle dans leur vie! Et heureusement que je ne peux faire marche arrière!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Mariam.

    I will call her Mariam.
    She stormed the office where I was seated . With her blue jeans and her warm red top, her pony tail, her large smile and her penetrating eyes....
"How do you want your Nescafe?" was her first sentence. Before greeting. Without greeting. She set the rythm, made it clear: she's responsible of coffee and care in this very busy care center...
"With one spoon of sugar please" I found myself replying. Had no choice, no way I could refuse her suggestion. I had to have a coffee. Then she turned to my friend :What do you want to eat for breakfast? Man'ouche? okay, give me money I'll go buy it". She took the money and run.
Then she ordered us to wait until she prepares us a proper calm corner to eat.

Mark Webster, Modern Woman Abstract oil painting
    While sitting there on my chair, among so many individuals, I saw her "living". She invades life, takes it by the throat and scream: I am alive!

    Then we moved to the kitchen, her private kingdom. She invited us to sit among piles of mattresses, bags and boxes. "I bought you Man'ouche, care for a tea with it? Tea is good." No choice again. Seconds, and a hot cup of tea was replacing a yet unfinished cup of coffee, with half a Man'ouche. We were merely starting to bite our food, Mariam was already heating water to make Lebanese coffee. "Nothing beats it! I need it now! We'll have it together."

    Between a pot and a plate, between a cupboard and the sink, Mariam spoke...

"I didn't get a good night sleep. My sister was banging her head all night, while humming. I had to hold her head so she don't hurt herself." When I asked what's with her sister, she replied:" she has a mental health problem. Our mother didn't think vaccine is important."

"My brother has mental illness too... Another mistake by my mom..."
She takes care of both, and of her dad... A dad she doesn't like much apparently, by looking at her face...

    Mariam left the room to take someone's breakfast. Once alone with my friend, she told me the whole truth about Mariam... She was repeatedly abused by her father since she was 7 or 8 years old... The damage on her body was so deep, she had to remove her uterus...

    Mariam was suddenly a goddess in my eyes... A survivor, a phoenix.
She grabs life by its throat and shout: I am alive! I will be good towards my oppressor, I will take care of others mistakes, I will make sure everyone is feeling good while I'm around...And nothing is going to stop me.

   
Mariam disappeared again. I got busy. Then, outside, was an old man with Down Syndrome sitting on a chair, with a shy smile. He was waiting for something...
Suddenly his face lightened up, when he saw her... Mariam came, took his hand, and ordered: "Let's go!" Then she turned to me and whispered:"poor guy, he waited for me to take him home, he has no one."
...
She missed one detail: he has her, they have her.
Life has her, and she owns life, she owns empathy, she owns compassion, she owns forgiveness...in the most natural way I could ever imagine.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Torn

Everybody want to put me in a clear, defined place, a corner.
Everybody want to label me.
Looks like I have to be either white or black. I have to choose my side.
What if I can't? 

What if I'm torn?

- I admire all Arab populations for an awakening moment. For seeking freedom. For saying "enough" tyranny. For discovering their potential.
- But I 'm scared to death when I see the power that took place. I'm afraid those freedom seekers are being killed now. And a darker force is crawling to steal what have been accomplished.
- I admire Tunisians, Egyptians, Bahrainis, Libyans, Syrians, Yemenis... revolutionaries.
- I fear Tunisians, Egyptians, Bahrainis, Libyans, Syrians, Yemenis...post revolutionaries.
- I respect the Syrian upraising when it begun.
- I fear the slaughter house it turned out to be.
- I can't but feel anger for the international dead silence and acceptance of atrocities in some places, while raging over others, depending on interests. But can't say I totally lost hope.
- I can't blame only the "west" or the international community. I can't neither blame only the "east".
- I can't pretend to be the victim all the time, to be right. I can't also play guilty all the time.
- I can't understand righteousness in watching Chechnyan, and many other foreign fighters and mercenaries' presence in Syria, killing, raping, kidnapping, while the "free world" is either watching or filtering what they want to see.
- I can't understand righteousness in killing Syrian civilians by their government, neither by their freedom fighters.
- I can't understand how reports of Sarin usage in Syria, are being politically used to nail the regime or the FSA (depending on political positions), while lives have been lost in a massive destruction weapon.
- I can't understand slaughter by anyone. I can't understand how blood is believed to bring justice.
- I can't understand how some believe by acting as bad as their enemy they can bring peace.

I'm torn.
I can't take a "white or black" position. Because all I can see is shades of grey where no light seem to come wipe all the blood and hatred.

    No sir, you left no more freedom seekers in Iraq. There are no more safety, peace, security. No more minorities (as their name indicates, they are not that important maybe).

     No sir, there are no more freedom seekers in Tunisia, they are now fighting to protect women and minorities from forced veil, rape, and primitive rights, simple basic human rights.
    No sir, there are no more freedom seekers in Egypt, they are now fighting to lessen the grip of Muslim Brotherhood on everything. Fighting to keep women safe when walking in the streets. Fighting to let minorities express their beliefs without the fear of attack and death.
    No sir, there are no more freedom seekers in Bahrain, I mean, did you ever see them in the first place? They seem invisible to the "free" world. And what about Yemenis? Do you have any idea what they are going through?
    No sir, there are no more freedom seekers in Libya. There is a lot of western oil investors, among mercenaries.
    No sir, there are no more freedom seekers in Syria. Real freedom seekers are shut out, they are trying to keep faith in their nonviolent dream. The rest is thousands of mercenaries (be it on Syrian Army side or Free Syrian Army). There are innocence killers, nihilists, butchers, beasts. There are hundreds of ruined cities, villages. Thousands of raped girls, shattered families, displaced...
    No sir, I can't hear Israeli fighters all day and all night over my head, and see them attack countries and believe that they are "merely defending themselves" as I couldn't swallow your "preventive wars on terrorism" before. Can't seem to cope with your position when you can't compare losses and see who is paying the highest price.

    No sir, I can't seem to see the "transitional phase" you seem to be sure of. I mean, I can't sit and say "oh, well, it happens, it's a transitional phase, let some more die, let some more fear worst nightmares, let some suffer...it is the price for freedom". I just can't. Because I believe life and peace have more importance in the 21st century, equally, for all races and nationalities.
    No sir, I can't sit and watch some of my people drag my whole land to an unwanted place. A war. A fear for our safety.
    No sir, I don't want to sit and say:"there's an 'international agenda, no matter what we try' ".
    No sir, I can't seem to find that "Arab Spring" you insist on calling despite everything. I lost it in the middle of hatred and death.

    I'm torn sir. 

 I just can't frame the situation I am witnessing. I can't take a "clear" position. I can't smell death and pretend one is totally right and one is totally wrong. Can't see that in wars civilians are just numbers, are just collateral casualties, are just victims. 

    Who gave you the right to decide if I die or if I live? If I have to choose between what you see is right or what you see is wrong? If I deserve a country or not? If I deserve security or not? 

    Or let me re-frame my question: what pushes you to decide to stand up for me or not? To say I deserve to be safe now, or I'm not that important? What Chart did you sign?

    I'm torn. I'm afraid. I'm angry. I'm sad.
    The worst part is, no matter what my opinion is, I'm just a victim project, my kids are just victims projects, my family, my friends, are just victims projects, and you don't give a damn.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

What to expect when you're expecting?

That awkward moment when you realize you expected too much for nothing!
I hate it when it happens.
Expecting is a killer.
Expecting love, care, respect, from people you love, care for and respect, and not getting it...
Expecting a kind act, a smile, a kiss, a call, a laugh, a hug, a pat, a word, a look, and not getting it.
Expecting understanding, empathy, presence, and not getting it.

Expecting comes from unmet needs. And we all have unmet needs. We expect good things from people we love, we expect bad things from people we fear. In the middle comes the non-expecting zone from people we don't care much for.

Expecting occurs when we think we deserve something as humans. It ends when we have no more faith or confidence. When we loose hope. Even then, a small act might awaken expectation back. And off we go with another expectation round, with all the hurt it brings.

"Don't expect anything from anyone" goes the quote. Easy to say, tricky to apply. Our human nature has needs, our human nature seeks love and respect. We are social creatures, we interact. We do so for a reason: we expect a mirror effect. We want the mirror effect. So, we expect. Then sometimes we reach disappointment. Disappointment comes from people we care most for.

But expectation has no balance, no logic. We expect a lot from others who sometimes can't reach our expectations, and we are disappointed. We expect from others as we see others. We put them in a position that is sometimes too high for them, or too difficult. We think it's easy for them to do, but that is just our way of seeing things, and our disappointment is related to our expectations, not their act.

Maybe we should remind ourselves that expecting doesn't mean getting. Expecting is an expression of our needs and dreams. Maybe, then, disappointment would lessen. Maybe then, the hurt would not be a killer. Maybe then, it would just be a hard moment we can overcome.
Maybe then, expecting wouldn't be closely attached to disappointment.

But again, wouldn't that affect the amount of love involved with expectation? Must we love less, care less, to expect less?

So, to answer the question "what to expect when you're expecting?" my own opinion would be: "when expectation is related to personal relations, expect hurt, expect disappointment. It comes as a package when needs and feelings of both persons or group of people, are not on the same wavelength."

Monday, December 24, 2012

My Christmas



One more year, I am still alive, I'm lucky,
Again, I have my health, I'm lucky,
I'm celebrating Christmas one more time, I'm lucky,
I have my kids, my family, my friends, I'm lucky,

I still have a roof to keep me warm, I'm lucky,
I still have enough to keep me from hunger, I'm lucky,
I still have enough clothes to keep me from cold, I'm lucky,

I have no direct life threat, I'm lucky,
I can walk, see, hear, touch, I'm lucky,
I have a job, and many luxuries of life, I'm lucky,

Too many blessings and kindness in my life.
I do not always see them and feel thankful.
I tend to pretend it's all my personal effort.
I tend to take them for granted. 

Not today.

Today I wish a Merry Christmas to all those who lost a dear person,
To all those suffering lack of health and crying in silence,
To all who can't celebrate, for political, religious or fear reasons,
To all those who lost a family and will have empty seats today,

Merry Christmas.

Today I wish a Merry Christmas to all children and grown ups who have no roof to protect them,
To those who are under the rain, the snow, the cold, feeling left behind,
To those who are merely surviving,
to those who have no job, no food, no clothes, no love,

Merry Christmas.

To people in war, hatred, fear,
To those considered not worth a life,
To those in prisons,
To those in refugees camps, on borders,
To those jeopardizing their lives on boats heading to get a better chance,
To those who lost a country,
To those who lost their luck.

Merry Christmas.

For maybe today I see you, I feel you, my thoughts go to you...
But tomorrow, I might be you.