So, one day, you become a mom. You reach the peak of your life, the goal, the achievement, the meaning of life for women (...)Hmmm. Mabrouk!
With motherhood, you get a fact... you don’t give it a lot of thoughts at first. You realize you have a new exclusive label: you’re just a mom now. You get the invisible label titled: mom. Even your first label: married woman fades away. But who cares! Isn’t it the natural path of life?
You find it fulfilling. You brag about it, you turn your whole life into Mothers Land direction.
You cut your hair to get the mom look, like all other moms, you defend your bouncing belly and your scars. You only talk about “them”, your kids, about how you raise them, how wonderful you are as a mom, how loving, caring, altruist, generous, self-denying person you became. You believe yourself when you say how wonderful it feels to give it all, to take the background seat, to loose all attention and enjoy the new center of your life, to become second, or third, or tenth...
You cut your hair to get the mom look, like all other moms, you defend your bouncing belly and your scars. You only talk about “them”, your kids, about how you raise them, how wonderful you are as a mom, how loving, caring, altruist, generous, self-denying person you became. You believe yourself when you say how wonderful it feels to give it all, to take the background seat, to loose all attention and enjoy the new center of your life, to become second, or third, or tenth...
You believe yourself when you say you stop everything about you, your work, your life, your love, and decide to become a feeding, loving, educating machine.
Everybody around you tells you how wonderful it is, how sacrifice is rewarding, how self –denial is the most fulfilling feeling. You are almost a saint! With less virginity.Your new image is just as everybody told you about your whole life! You fit marvelously!
It’s all true somewhere. Somehow.
Being “the mom”, sharing mothers code, mothers discussions, mothers fears... looks wonderful. It’s a whole different world!
Suddenly, one day, something happens. You feel tired, you feel left behind, you feel you’re growing old, or getting fat... Something inside you tries to fight you.A young girl with dreams awakes. A young woman with hopes emerges. Someone you forgot about tickles your well-established way of being.
Is it someone from your past? Is it someone you killed before?
You start to become bitter. You become aggressive. You even may become rude. You start to show a dark side through cruel sexist feminist jokes.
You realize that you missed a lot. You remember the child in you, that needs care. You remember the woman in you, the lover, the selfish, the sexy woman in you that needs love. You remember the human being in you that is not a saint, or a virgin. You remember the lazy person in you that needs rest, calm, peace...
And you feel guilty. Of course you’re guilty! You spent your whole life fitting in the image everybody told you about, everybody before you went through. And now that you fit, you want something else? What’s wrong with you silly woman? What is it that you want?
Women! They’re all the same! Don’t you just love that sentence? Women don’t know what they want! Look at you now! You have it “all”, and you feel bitter? You’re nuts!
So you hide your feelings, and decide to do something...
You start fighting the world your own way, by hiding your belly, exercising, changing hair color, wearing make up, filling your skin, shopping... You try to shout in silence to the world that you are still a woman, young and sexy. You try to remind the world that YOU exist...
Sometimes you look pathetic... sometimes it works for a while.
Or, you decide to fight yourself instead of the world, and you eat like there’s no tomorrow, you let yourself go, you merely look at the mirror, you hide more and more behind your sick altruism, and brag about your kids who left you long years ago, who ran away from you.
Or, you decide to fight your partner and your kids, the reason behind your feeling! It’s because of HIM, of THEM, “I gave you everything you bunch of ungrateful sick selfish family of mine!”. You really feel they owe you, they belong to you! You made this family! You forgot everything about you for them! They must shut up and kneel on your feet!
Your bitterness has no limits. Your “war” transforms you! You become a beast.
Self-denial, huh? Altruism, huh? Giving it all to others, huh? You really thought you’re a saint? You really thought you can forget about yourself and exist through others? You really thought it won’t affect you, huh?
You left nothing for you! You killed that young girl, that lover, that sexy, that dreamer, that lazy, selfish, cute, human being called “woman” in you! You are your own torturer! Your own criminal! Your own “bad guy”! Stop blaming! Stop arguing! Stop not living! Be a mom, but stay a woman, a lover, a selfish, a lazy, human being sometimes! Keep your space for God’s sake! And spare us your bitterness!
