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Sunday, September 18, 2016

How to debunk a manipulator

They are everywhere. You might be working with one, a friend of one, living with one, or one yourself... They are categorized among "toxic people" which include narcissistic, controlling, abusive, extremely critical... They are usually hard to detect, because they have elaborated a highly complex attitude and approach. 
To set the records right, we all act as one somewhere in our lives. But some of us become manipulators for life, in all kinds of relationships.
It takes years to know you are dealing with one, unless you've had previous encounters, and elaborated clever detectors.

    The reasons behind a manipulative acting person are numerous, highly complex and belong to the personal psychological history and approach, which isn't my specialty, and not the subject of this article.

N.B. Throughout this read, keep this in mind: we are not therapists. We are barely regular human beings trying to have normal and healthy relationships. I say this because I know whoever is living with a manipulative person tends to play the role of the therapist at a certain point. Wrong, wrong.

My first advice to you if you meet a manipulator would be: RUN! Run while you can as far as you can! For your sanity, and your well being: RUN!

But we both know, keeping distance is sometimes a luxury you cannot afford. When your parent, your spouse, your companion or your boss is manipulative, running away is not an easy option. 
So you stick there, you fight your day-to-day relationship, you are eaten alive, you smooth edges, you cultivate guilt, shame, hope, despair... you live on a roller coaster of emotions. 

Soon you find yourself abused, numb, desperate and captive of this vortex, where there is no way out.
It gets on your well-being, your mood, your mental health, your physical health, your friendships, your relationships outside the spiral.

You become the perfect victim. Every manipulator's dream.
And you believe you are only the victim. While truth is, according to experts and specialists, you also play a role in this vortex.

But before getting there, how to debunk a manipulator while you still can?

1-How they appear in the beginning of a relationship:

Manipulative people are VERY attractive in public. Great speakers, charming and friendly. They might be the center of discussion, they have a lot of acquaintances they call friends. They are social, talkative.
They might be over caring. They might shower you with gifts. Heck they might also seem selfless and helpful!
At the beginning of any relationship, they might be kind enough to praise you in public: "you are awesome! You're exceptional!". Not after a while. Every sweet word must come with a rude underlying or open one. 

Does this mean one has to suspect all kind-looking people? Surely no. But keeping an open eye is never wrong.

A friend once told me about her partner reply to a person who complimented her :"Yes, she rocks over her 50's." The startling underlying rudeness is that she is 45.

What to do?
-If you are good in depicting and reading eyes, always focus on them when looking at a person you suspect of being manipulative. The eyes are mirrors of the soul. Do you feel like the eyes are not truly reflecting the sweet words you hear? Do you see sparkling eyes, or just focused glass like ones?

-Do not offer them the free gift of showing your weakness! They are skilled at using it against you. Show your strong side. Protect yourself.

2-How do they manipulate?

First, remember: we all manipulate somehow to meet our needs. Because we are afraid of not meeting them if asked openly sometimes.  
But here, we are talking about manipulation on the next level, that include shaming, aggressivity, discussions always turned against you, feeling that real cause of conflict has never been addressed, rather turned and put aside... We are talking about a passive aggressive attitude making you responsible or ridicule all the time.
According to researchers, therapists and experts, manipulators are masters in the following:

-They make you do things you don't want to. Example: pressure you to have sex using all imaginable reasons. Or drag you on your holiday to the office. Or make you work overtime without any intention to pay you (usually it is always your fault, or responsibility for the extra work you "must" do). And you do it because you are ashamed, or pushed to feel guilty, or don't want to sound do it for any reason they push you to believe.

-They convince you to take a part of yourself in order to serve their self-centered interests.

A friend was manipulated to leave her professional life, bribed with a steady income, pushed to leave all her friends and focus on her partner's needs, for years. Until one day, he left the house and filed for divorce. One thing he said she will never forget: " I will make you starve". 
-They show no interest in your feelings, emotions and needs. They are self centered, and lack empathy. If you need a clarification, they will make fun of you. If you suffer emotionally they will minimize the cause putting the blame on you, because you are the reason for anything bad.

-Once they succeed taking advantage of you, they will repeat it over and over again.

-They are skilled at knowing to what extent they push the limit. Just enough to keep you there, not totally broken.

-They are skilled at making you feel guilty. Even when you act according to your values (because your values don't matter to them).

-No matter how hard you try to explain what you think is a misunderstanding, a manipulator will always bring you back to his assumptions, even if they are wrong. Because manipulators are lousy listeners, and want to have the last word.

-They excel at taking responsibility away from them. They are never wrong. you are or the world is.

-They want you to feel sympathetic for them, to get your guard down for further manipulation.

"You still want to marry this girl! You have no mercy on me. You will kill me. You don't care for me. After all the years I spent raising you. You are just a self centered selfish man! I did not raise you like that! What is she doing to you? Do you see how you've changed?"

-They love to play the victim role, to use your empathy against you.

- They fabricate, exaggerate, trivialize or distort the truth, for their own benefit. 

-They snap you when alone, with no witnesses. And they are bullies.

3-How to stop them?

If you can stay away from them, or keep a safe distance, do it.

If not,

Please know your rights! 
And know when they are being violated! 
Know your values, and know when someone is trying to undermine them.
As humans, we all share basic rights we should cherish and value: 
*To be treated with respect
*To set our own priorities
*To say "no" without guilt or regret
*To disagree with respect to different opinions
* to take care of and protect ourselves from being threatened physically, mentally or emotionally
*To freely express our feelings and needs 
*To live a Happy Life.

Ask yourself:
-Am I treated with respect?
-Am I the only "giver" in this relationship?
-Is the other person's demands reasonable?
-Am I feeling good in this relationship? 

"I am dreading the moment she gets back from work every day! The whole atmosphere of the house becomes tense. I am not happy around her anymore."
Learn to ask probing questions, 
Or questions that make them think, and cut the aggressive cycle of the moment.

"Are you asking me or ordering me?"
"Can you handle my opinion?"
"I have my word in this too you know, are you willing to listen?"
"And what do I get out of this?"
"Are you manipulating me?" 
"Are you trying to take this discussion somewhere else? Please don't it bugs me." 

Usually, similar questions are like mirrors, they force the manipulator to withdraw.

 Withdrawing  momentarily with an excuse, is also a good response to manipulative situations. If you feel you are pressured in the now to respond to their demand, you can say: "Let me think about it, and I will let you know." Time is always an ally in similar situations, so use it.

Learn to say "NO"
Learning to refuse what you don't feel like doing is learning to communicate constructively. It is also learning leadership. 
By being a leader, you immediately send the message: "I am not your victim".
Ask yourself: do I want to be part of this cycle? If not, then I will not play this game.
Your no does not have to be rude (rudeness triggers manipulators even more). Rather firm.

Reach out.
Reach out for people around you. If you are not sure you are manipulated, ask friends, professionals, family. Tell the situation, and see if they too, feel it is not normal. Try to make tough discussions in front of witnesses, for support, not alone with manipulators, so they won't be able to lie later or manipulate you more. 

Offer help
If you really care about your relationship, you can always try to tell the manipulator he/she is hurting you, and seek help both of you. Go to counselors, to therapists, to a person of trust.
I left this option to the end because it is the toughest one to achieve, since manipulators are usually in denial and do not take responsibility for their acts. But who knows? It might work!

And remember this: The battle some people are fighting is not  with you, rather with themselves.

Recommended read: "In Sheep's clothing, Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People", by George K. Simon Jr.


  1. Interesting! Very helpful and straight to the point. Thank you Tanya, reading you is a pleasure.

    1. Thank you LK for your feedback! Happy to know you found it helpful :)